It started out as a feeling.
Which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought.
Which then became a quiet word.
And that word grew louder and louder,
until it was something you couldn’t ignore.
It kept nagging. And nagging. And nagging.
Until you finally snapped and did something to get it out of your system.
You Google. You write. You rant. You paint.
Anything to get the feeling out of you.
But it doesn’t leave.
And then you realise your heart is dead set on something that may never be yours.
Not because you’re incapable.
But because everyone around you decided otherwise.
You’re stubborn. You don’t care.
So you start working towards it.
Why?
Because you’re curious. You want to know; if these meaningless obstacles didn’t exist, would you still have a chance?
You work relentlessly. You do everything you possibly can.
Months pass.
And then it hits.
The what if you’ve been running from this whole time.
What if you do make it?
What if it actually works out?
Then what?
Do you abandon it and pretend it never existed if things fall apart?
Do you lose your mind realizing it was all for nothing?
What are you even supposed to do?
Because what if things do work out; everything aligns, you reach the goal you fought for…
But then…
Societal pressure. Family values. Unspoken rules.
Every single person around you tramples it.
Maybe there’s a reason.
Maybe…they think they’re protecting you. And maybe it’s true.
But in that moment; when your effort is reduced to something meaningless…
No reason feels worthy enough.
And that’s what scares me.
Because after everything…after the hoping, the work, the waiting…
I end up right back here.
With the same question.
What if you do make it..,
but you still don’t get to keep it?
What exactly are you meant to do then?
Because even now…deep down I know…that I’m just someone with dreams bigger than my reality.
I honestly have to stop with this. Like this whole thing is like one big issue and my brain just keeps coming up with more problems related to it…
And I don’t know, sure I don’t have to write about it but then if I can even get one person to realise that they’re not the only ones with these fears then I’lll take it!
This piece is well written I love that