i such am a hypocrite

Scattered Page #16: I hate it but I do it anyway.

Anyone who personally knows me knows that Psychology was never the first option. In fact, it wasn’t even an option until my second year of college (high school). But here I am in university (college), studying BS Psychology, knowing full well that my heart just isn’t in it.

There is no thrill.

No rush.

No fun.

Just the same thing every single day.

Wake up, take a class, go to the next class, come back home.

It’s…sad?

See, the idea of Psychology is interesting, but studying it — for me, at least — slowly ends up feeling monotonous. It’s like I’m studying the same information in different words, with a different teacher.

It’s boring.

If you’ve been here long enough, you’ll know that I’m a sucker for action. Movies, series, K-dramas, books, comics — you name it. I love good action.

So imagine the ache in my chest when I realised that criminal law could never be an option, and after Psychology, I realised that criminal/forensic psychology was slowly slipping away as well.

Anything that could give me the rush I was desperately looking for ran away from me.

It hurt.

But I got over it.

For the next two years, I drifted. Studied a bit, generalised my answers in class, stayed on my phone, and got average grades.

I was fine with it.

I mean… it’s not like I had anything better to do.

And then came the third year — the fifth semester.

Everything changed.

Not because I suddenly fell in love with Psychology.

But because I finally knew what came after it.

I studied like my life depended on it. Made notes, participated in class with proper answers, asked questions, did the assigned reading and somehow still did extra things on the side.

There were moments where I’d catch myself deep into my notes, highlighters on the bed and a red pen in my hand, fully locked in. Focused. Unstoppable.

And that scared me.

Because the sudden shift in effort felt absurd, especially in something I still didn’t want.

It was like I was a completely new person who magically wanted to pursue Psychology even further.

Did I actually enjoy it?

But that’s a lie.

I still don’t like it.

I don’t like the idea of sitting and analysing patterns and behaviours. I don’t like allowing the label of “problem-solver” to be stuck on my forehead. I don’t like the fact that things that normally fly over someone’s head are now sticking out like a sore thumb.

I don’t like it.

But then someone asks… why did you take it?

Because I didn’t have any other option. And that’s the truth.

Psychology is interesting, fun even…sometimes. But I don’t think I will ever like Psychology completely.

A part of me wishes that it changes. That I do end up enjoying every bit about it. But then the other part is relieved because it means that the the things I originally wanted to do are still alive somewhere inside me.

I’m not a fan of Psychology… but I still study it as if I’m the only one who can fix everything.

I am such a hypocrite.

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The sudden realisation I had as I read the thick DSM 5 TR sat on my lap, with one hand opening the book and the other holding the highlighter.

It felt weird and I wanted to close the book and call it a day.

Because what you mean that I’m doing things I never did before.

That’s odd.

But anyways, it was a fleeting idea and sometimes funny when I think about it.